Transform anxious attachment style to improve your stress tolerance

It used to feel like the end of the world when things didn’t go as planned.

I felt let down and abandoned often by people I thought I trusted to always be there for me.

So, I put so much hope in them to carry me through in times when I couldn’t carry myself

And oftentimes I felt let down…

And my trust in them dwindled a little bit at the time.

Every time I felt let down, it brought back memories of all the times I experienced feeling like the people in my life did not care about me…

They did not care about me enough to want to make an impact in my life.

And I was the last thing on their minds…

And each time, I would replay scenarios of how I kept experiencing the same feelings of people leaving me when all I wanted was for them to stay…

I even blamed myself often for other people’s actions towards me.

My mind would play scenarios of how I may have contributed to that person leaving me…

Then I questioned if I was even good enough for them to want to stay.

I would ruminate on the event for weeks…

Thinking about all the ways I did something wrong to contribute to this not so good treatment I was receiving from others.

It even hurt more because the people who were “letting me down” were people I trusted

They were people who knew me inside and out, I thought…

And were people who wanted the best for me, I thought.

So, realizing that I could be discarded easily with no second thought, made me feel even worthless.

Then I questioned myself, my sanity, my value and my worth…

Because I had a very hard time accepting what was, I found myself always trying to work things out with others.

I found myself always taking the blame for other people’s actions.

I found myself always wanting to have those people in my life.

I ignored my feelings and worth, and prioritized their needs over mine.

Often and constantly…

And by doing that, I felt even worst.

I questioned my judgement of them.

I questioned my judgement in myself and my decision-making abilities…

I questioned why I had to go through feeling terrible each time a person decides to leave my life.

Then I realized that everything I was doing to keep those people in my life was just not working.

I realized blaming myself was not working.

I realized denying my feelings and hurt was not working.

I realized pretending that it didn’t bother me was not working.

I realized that I actually did not know how to stop feeling anxious when in uncomfortable situation or when I felt out of control.

The medication I was prescribed was not helping either…

The advice I would get from my friends did not help at all.

It all just contributed to more sleepless nights and feeling guilty for why I wasn’t good enough.

It wasn’t until I found a therapist to help me figure out what was happening in my mind and body…

Then I found out I was actually experiencing an anxious attachment style.

Where I felt abandoned often and let down…

And that feeling of trusting someone and them leaving me made me doubt everything about myself including my values…

And that my childhood experiences had a lot to do with my need for security in others.

With the help of my therapist, I was able to identify all the ways I was abandoning myself

I realized that thinking less of myself was a form of sabotage and abandonment I was inflicting on myself.

Expecting others to live up to a potential I gave them wasn’t realistic enough.

Not having standards for my own life and how I wanted to be treated made me ignore my own needs and prioritized others.

I also learned that my mind and body often became anxious because I was operating in survival mode

I was trying to hold on to what I thought I was lacking…

A feeling that I had not experienced maybe ever.

I realized that my body has protected me for so long from the harsh realities of life…

And letting go of what I thought I wanted in my life was painful, so I would do anything to hold on that feeling even if it compromised who I thought I was…

Which was a strong confident woman.

But everything about my action said to me that I wasn’t confident enough…

Everything about my actions said to me that I didn’t believe I was deserving of what I wanted.

Everything about my actions said I needed to chase people down to keep them in my life so I wouldn’t feel abandoned.

So, I had to do something differently

Changing my view of myself, and what I wanted made all the difference in calming my mind and body down.

I started to look at people’s actions toward me instead of what I wanted them to me.

I found peace in knowing that I too was important.

Then believing that the right people would stay in my life…

I found peace in releasing those people who showed me they didn’t want the same things as me.

Be it friendship or relationships…

I also learned that understanding and communicating my needs to others was very important.

So, I took control of the outcome of my experiences with people.

And released them quickly when they unable to align with my standards.

These simple acts of setting standards for myself, for how I treat myself and realizing that the people around me were a reflection of how I treated myself.